Middle--that's where I've been since forever. Looking back, I realized that I rarely took a definite stand on things. In most situations, I always pick the "safest routes," the "maybes," the "OK langs," and the like. I steered clear of sides, thinking that grounding myself in the middle will prevent me from regretting my decision if the side I picked turned out to suck.

A while ago, however, taking the safe route bit me in the ass, big time. And now I feel like crap.

It's the last day for midterms, and I have the burden of taking two midterm exams for major subjects today. The first one was easy; since it was a back subject, it dealt with elementary stuff. The last exam, however, was hell. I'm glad I still have my hair after the test--I was pulling it so hard while answering the exam, hoping to squeeze every last drop of correct answer from my brain.

I don't understand the fascination with automated test checkers, but our school suddenly ordered that all tests be of the multiple choice type. Easy, right? Well, apparently not. Our professor, who usually gives essay-type tests, joined the bandwagon and made a multiple choice type test. The catch is, almost all choices were variations of: true, false, always, seldom, maybe, perhaps, yes, and no. I usually do not give a flying frak on true/false tests, but this one was just insulting.

Note to self: NEVER ANSWER WITH A 'MAYBE'. When I saw the choices, my fascination for the safe route kicked in, and I suddenly found myself knocking myself out with maybes, seldoms, and perhapses. And since every item was situational, I just helped myself with safe-route answers.

We checked our papers afterwards, and from what I've gathered, I ranked third from lowest. Crap. Thank you, frakking uncertain multiple choice choices. Hope to never see you again.

Love--it's the most powerful force on earth, they say. Powerful force, my ass. Well, OK, maybe they were right, but in my 21 years 5 months 5 hours and 30 minutes of existence, I tried very hard for love to not govern my being. I tried hard not to fall in love (or lust) with anyone, living a lifestyle that won't force me to pick someone from the singles grab bag and hookup so that my social life won't be devoid of, er, life.

But now, I got myself into a situation wherein I am lured tempted by this girl--who's not even single, by the way--into having a relationship with her. I agreed, and I blame my diplomacy and my irritating politeness.

When I was about five, my sisters and I were forced by our parents to take swimming lessons. During my lessons, I developed a huge crush on this girl I will call X. We talk a lot while I wait for my father to pick me up after the lessons, and when I am in the car I would talk nonstop about X. But when my swimming lessons ended, so did our shortened puppy romance. I was lonely for like two days, but eventually I grew out of it. And so I conditioned myself to not get involved with anybody romantically because they'll leave sooner or later, and the only ones you'll have left will be your family.

Recently, I have been thinking about what my life would be after 10 years. I kept hoping for an epiphany, or something similar to an epiphany, or a sign, or a premonition, or a burning bush, or whatever; but all I could think of was me, sitting alone in a quiet room, living for myself, and only having myself. My God, I'm like a male version of a cat lady in-the-making. Hell, it's even scarier than committing myself to one woman.

Maybe that's why I gave in to my nongirlfriend. Our becoming an item was lame, by the way. I admitted that I am attracted to her, and she admitted that she was attracted to me, and she snapped at me for being so torpe because apparently, if I courted her after her first breakup, then she would accept me with wide arms open. I told her that I would be a boring boyfriend, and she doesn't mind, as long as we're together. Aren't we corny.

And just like that, I have become the exact contradiction of what I became after my X-phase. I don't really fancy the strings that came attached with this boyfriend-girlfriend thing like late night texting (I gotta sleep early, come on! It's a fat person thing), getting her home everyday after school (she lives in Timbuktu for heaven's sakes!), and paying for everything during our dates (which is why I'm always broke lately), but I'm kinda beginning to get used to it. I just hope my enthusiasm won't wear off anytime soon.